life without a soul

dear ALLAH,,
alhamduillah im still alive today to see all of YOUR creation, please let me lead this life without hesitation and regrets,,i am YOUR sinful human being cant run from doing big and small mistakes,, so please for give me for anything that i did or do in my entire life,,


dear bloggy,,
after for so damn long i aint put anything up here,,now my life is a mess,,still im thankful to dear allah for all these,,take it as a positive side,manusia nih slagi tak sakit tak beringat,,ape pun yang jadi,i know i have to be storng,,i HAVE to be strong even how weak i am sometimes,, always talk to myself is the best solution that i can do to heal the wound that been puss in my heart,, as this blog title, this.heart.bleed always been part of me,, before this people use to say about life without a soul,yada yada yada,crap crap crap, which before i think it is bullshit as well,, but now,god show me what is the meaning of those phase since ive been experience it now,, lemme tell u guys how does it feels,,


E M P T Y was the best word to describe the feelings,, life without a soul for me was like im leading my life as today, and only for today, what ever going to happen tomorrow serahkan saja pada allah,, im not like this before,, people used to label me as a perfectionist kind of person where i need to do things according to what i have planed,, but now,im living my life as "hidup ari ni untuk ari nih jek",, its true that "hidup dan mati hanya kerana ALLAH",,i dont live mylife for myself now,, sometimes it was ashame to say this but, to tell u guys the truth, i did think of end mylife just like that which is BERDOSA when i think about it,, ive told myself before that "jangan mati because of love,mati kerana allah dan agamaku" that words lingering in my mind which stop me from doing nonsense,, he left me without notice for more than a month,, it was really hurt,suffer,anger, and so many feelings that is so damn hard for me to describe,, its true when people said that there's a feeling that hard to be describe,,


for this past month that i lead my life without him, ive been suffering from many things,,sometimes i am so really strong,where sometimes came to a day where i m so weak (that was when im missing him) until all i can do is crying alone,,did u guys know how was the feelings of being tired for everything that u have been through? life is too hard for me,, penat of telling myself that im strong enough to go through all these,, tah laa,, when all hope is gone,when all dreams washed away, when all things is fading away,, it is so tired,, im living mylife just like life without a soul,,  dah penat,, sgt letih n sedih when all ur happiness washed away,, dah sbulan lebih im living in a sadness,, faking that im happy,strong,, it just tired,, missing someone else where all u can do is crying??is not totally the best way,, missing things that u dont know how does it end? all u can do is crying silently under ur pillow until u sleep? and the next day u wake up all u can feel is the missing is still there? IT IS SO NOT OKIE AND TIRED,, im really trying hard to be strong,, im trying my best not to cry,, it just collapse sometimes,, people hoping that u are strong and assume that u are strong but deep in side u just cant hold on to it,, THIS IS NOT AWESOME,,


but still diana, no matter what you do,, god will never leave u and always be with u,, (see i just need to talk and tell myself, nak wat macam mane, i m that kind of people),, adik saya cube perlihatkan ini kepada saya,, 


"ingat ni dlm kepala ,Tuhan bukan nak pandang semua-semua orang yg ada dkt dunia ni.DIA akan pandang hamba DIA yg dia sayang utk diberi dugaan.saya tau awk boleh.jgn pena putus utk berdoa.sy pon doakan awk ,hidup memang kadang kite akan rase jatuh terduduk dan mase tu dtglah sesiapa pon yg penting or tak penting utk cuma bantu tp jwpnnya hanya diri awk sendiri dan DIA .ingat tuhan sentiasa ade buat kita.kita ♥ jangan pernah rasa terbuang dkt dunia ciptaan Dia.Cari kekuatan awk dr dia ,sy tau senang sy bercakap type panjang lebar .tapi sy tau awk banyak kali lihat sy jatuhkan ?dan sy tau awk tau sy bangkitkan?jadi tlg kuat! #peluk"

thanks sebab kata-kata die membuatkan hati saya terusik,,i didnt have the courage to read it with my heart and soul coz i know i will definitely cry since at that moment i was trying hard not to cry,, she will always pray for me as she said,, thanks systa,,


talk about M I S T A K E: everyone made a mistake,, i told use to tell myself dont regret things that had happen, but sometimes, u need to think back and dont repeat the same mistake,, i m one of millions people in the world that make a mistake,, i just dont know what was i thinking when i did all those silly things,, I ADMIT I MADE MISTAKES, WHICH IM NOT SUPPOSE TO,, but do i deserve a second chance? only he can give me my second chance to make me correct my mistakes that ive did,, well,IM HOPING FOR SECOND CHANCE,,if you mr BUK somehow read this,IM ON MY BENDED KNEES HOPING AND BEGGING YOU TO GIVE ME SECOND CHANCE,,i know i made a lot of mistakes, but please forgive me,, no matter how many guys come and go in my life, i just want u,, enough of saying i wish u can be a romantic person,i wish this,i wish that,,enough of those,,i just want u to be with me forever as u already promised me u will take me to a place where there is only ur love,, ive already dream of building up a family with u,, just please make it happen,, i just need you,, dear GOD, please let us be as one till death do us apart,,amin,,guys are coming to me as the one that i always wanted,but they are not u,,they just cant replace u,,so please,all im asking is for us to make it happen and for us to correct it as it suppose to be,,well,im enough of being said what i need to tell u,,


telling u guys the truth,pretending that u are so damn strong is FREAKIN tired!!i just need mylife back with him,,please pray for us,,


lastly,
Dear GOD,
alhamdulillah and syukur for all the blessing that YOU have provided me for so long,,thank YOU,,


p/s: TUHAN TENGAH MENGAJAR KAU ERTI KESABARAN TU DIANA!! sabar!! *smiling*